Rockford Crime: 5 Tips to Survive Rockford Zombie Attacks

Hello Rockford! With the coming apocalypse on the way it is important to note how to survive the Rockford zombies! By definition, a Rockford zombie is anyone who has or will use power, guns, money, or any other type of overpowering element/weapon to hurt fellow Rockfordians. High crime and low awareness in the nation’s 9th most dangerous city has some people wondering whether things will ever get better. For right now, it seems as though our city is just getting worse. Can we stop hurting and stealing from each other? Will the Rockford zombies ever be cured? Who knows! But for now, check out my 5 Tips to Survive the Rockford Zombie Apocalypse!

1) Be aware!

Being aware of your surroundings, no matter where you are, is key to saving yourself from a hospital trip, a stolen car, and the horrible zombie bites! Before leaving the store (or anywhere), take a look around and notice if anything seems out of the ordinary. If you feel uncomfortable with your surroundings, find someone that may walk with you to your car or keep a look out.

2) Have a plan!

The number one key to success: HAVE A PLAN! Having a plan is also the number one key to surviving the Rockford Zombie Apocalypse! Nothing is like getting caught somewhere with a Rockford zombie and not knowing what should happen next. Create a plan that enables you to think and act fast in a given situation. For example, if you know you will be somewhere alone, at night, in an intimidating area, then be aware (see #1) of your surroundings so you know a place you can run, hide, or fight to your advantage.

On another note, being prepared is along the same lines as having a plan. Include in your plan a way to defend yourself. While walking to your vehicle, have your keys ready. This way, if a zombie is getting too close for comfort you can gauge their eyes out with your ignition key! This is assuming you do not have another means of protection (pepper spray, superhuman strength, etc.).

3) Stay in groups!

Inevitably, life doesn’t enable us to ALWAYS be with a group of people. Hell, what guy wants a bunch of dudes going with him to the store for protection? Not me! What lady wants a bunch of girls going with her to the bathroom? Okay, that sounded stupid, but you get the point! Safety in numbers! People in groups are less likely to be attacked. Obviously, only a lonely Rockford zombie would be crazy enough to attack a group of people, right? Don’t get caught alone!

4) Where are you?!

The 4th tip of surviving Rockford zombie attacks is to always let it be known your whereabouts. Perhaps a zombie is chasing you and you lose your phone. How will you ask for help without the right means of communication? If someone does not know where you are they will never know where to look for you should something unfortunate happen. On the other hand, letting mom know you are going to the library can help her guide the police to the place where you are supposed to be if you haven’t returned home, or at least called, in a reasonable amount of time.

5) Good people, good times!

Bad people, bad times. Ever been to a party where you just know something bad is going to happen? Not Jack breaking up with Jill. Although that is bad and I feel sorry for Jill (or Jack, if Jill is hot..) I am really talking about the gangbangers entering a party or an area with the wrong intentions. If you are invited somewhere you think will have a room full of zombies then why would you go? Most violent crimes are between people who are criminally engaged in different matters. Although this fact is starting to decline due to recent reports (like elderly couples being battered, teens being shot) in Rockford, you can decrease your chances of being eaten by a zombie if you simply hang with the right people!

There you have it Rockford! Five tips to help you survive any encounters with Rockford zombies. I hope this helps! But remember what we are really talking about here. The zombies aren’t the typical ones you would find on The Walking Dead. They are real people with real intentions to create real harm. The crime in our beloved city has gotten us recognition from the F.B.I. and led us into a very deep hole. Let us not succumb to the nonsense of thievery and hate, but come to senses of humanity and know that we can only help each other.

Next post: 5 Things You Can Do to Help Rockford


Categories: Community & Events

2 replies

  1. I love the tips you gave us, Yes be aware. I always thought oh this couldn’t happen to me, but yes anything can happen to anyone. My husband has opened my eyes on this subject also, he tells me to scan the parking lot, and look under the car before your next to it. You just never know. Maybe your comments will wake people up. As for the pepper spray it works, just ask my daughter!

  2. Interesting article. By referencing Zombie attacks, it makes me think of all of the “Walkers” (slang name for Zombies borrowed from the AMC show: The Walking Dead) that you see around my neighborhood, generally between April and October.

    At any time of day, you can see people just walking, at first glance somewhat aimlessly, in the streets of our and many others’ neighborhoods. Even though there are sidewalks, they still walk in the street, and menace traffic.

    Generally, these “Walkers” are Section 8 residents with nowhere to be, and seemingly nowhere to go except in search of trouble.

    Generally, these “Walkers” inhabit the area between Kishwaukee St. to Mulford Rd. (West to East) and Rural St. to Sandy Hollow Rd. (North to South).

    With Rockford’s “trickle” effect, expect to see “walkers” in your own neighborhood soon, as the Eastward “Walker” migration in search of a better life on the back of others’ efforts and tax dollar continues…..

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